THAT I AM OFFICIALLY IN LOVE

WITH THAT MANHUA


-going crazy, dont come near me-

if you wanna play it like a game,
well come on, come on, let's play
'cuz i'd rather live my life pretending
than have to forget you for one whole minute
(fake taped over your mouth
scribbled out the truth with your lies,
your little spies)

-  paramore, crushcrushCRUSH
 

it's been forever since i've posted here. and i kinda miss it. my journal, my personal, personal, amazing journal, in which anyone who doesnt know me as well my lovely yunah can only see it (L) i love it that you're the only one who can relate to everything happening, yunah.

i read your last entry.
and frankly, i thought you were stupid for being sorry.
why were you sorry for something stupid like that?
it's not like i can help it that you're falling in love with that guy.
it's me who has a conflict with him, not you :)
you are totally free to fall in love with whoever you want.
and your gcse's? fine. maybe that did disappoint me a little bit
but hey, i'll learn to live with it :) i've been practicing with getting disappointed of myself a lot.
so hey. it's no biggie. everyone has their ups and downs.
and what are you talking about, fatter and UGLIER?
i know so many obese girls who are still very beautiful. and im not lying or saying this to make you feel better.
i mean it. even if you were as big as hannah in 200 pounds of beauty used to be before plastic surgery, i'd love you.
beauty. what is that? it's something almost all girls who look like sticks lack.
i love you. no matter your size, shape, or whatever. i just love you, even when i dont want to. not that i ever not want to love you :)


i shall continue some other time!

HOHOHOHOHOHO




exams are done for. and all that's waiting for me is a ONE MONTH FUCKIN HOLIDAY. I LOVE DECEMBER <3 AND OMG GUESS WHAT? I GOT PHOTOSHOP AGAIN. except this time, it's CS4. TADAAAAAAAAAAAA XD and and omg. yesterday i went to the movies with a couple of people [nneka, jonathan, antonina, ali] to watch madagascar 2, AND IT WAS AWESOME. madagascar rocks. i was like LOL-ing half the time. it was AWESOMAGE. seriously. that moto-moto scene? HILARIOUS. (8) i like em big, i like em chunky (8) OMG HAHAHAHA. HILARIOUS. a highly recommended movie to watch.

and lolness. nneka and jonathan were sitting next to me, like squashed to the corner. and i guess in the middle of the movie, they started making out, when we all were too busy laughing to notice. well, i noticed, and i was like O_O crap, i better get out of here. HAHA. and then it reminded me of dwayne and me, and then i just laughed. :P

you know what i need?

a really good girl friend. who's in my school [and class, preferably] who tells me everything, who becomes my best friend, who spends hours on the phone with me when we're both taking a bath, who asks me to go places before she asks anyone else, who can not live without me by her side, well. yeah. shopping, getting fat and then loosing weight together, photoshop-ing, parties, late nights out, over her house and then over mine. we'd practically be lesbian partners for life.




sadly. i only seem to be getting the men. and im not usually allowed to do stuff like that with them. -_-

it's just sad. just sad though.

i loved today. it was fun, i didnt give a shit. i had an english test i did not do well on, but i still felt good. i got a 3/10 in physics [everyone got stuff like this :P it was actually one of the highest grades XD] but i was still giggling happily in class.

but then i realized something. when i looked across the classroom, i was missing something. my heart was aching badly. i was lonely. i was a lot more lonely than anyone could ever be, i bet. i dont know. i feel like something's missing. like there's this...pain i feel that is not supposed to be felt. i dont know what it is.

ugh. pretty boys always get what they want. i hate how ferras has that effect on people. it pisses me off. i'll poke him with a pencil one day and he'll get what he deserves. i mean, he has a blackberry for god's sake! rifky and i are dying to have one, and ferras gets it with not problem at all. i.hate.him. -_-

harharhar. i got antonina in trouble today. and the french teacher thought she was trying to catch myles' attention. and now they're paired up in class and they supposedly have good "chemistry". HAHA. im sorry anto. i love you (:

Ah. Everything seems to be withdrawing from sadness and irritation. For a few reasons, my heart felt hardened and troubled yesterday - I can not say these things in public 'cuz then i'll feel sort of guilty. I mean, I dont feel it right to say such things public.

A. gave me this guy's email though, and it sorta saved my life. Looking through a guy's perspective, even though it was almost the same thing as what I was thinking, really helped. I owe it a lot to her, and to this guy. His name's indra, and well...A and he used to be best best best friends until something happened. Not really comfortable saying that in public, either. At first, I wanted to beat the shit out of the guy; but then I realized...he wasn't that bad of a person. We both had almost everything in common. He's like my twin, except a bit uglier xD and way taller too haha. But the way we think is sorta the same, even though he takes time understanding english. im glad i met him.

Ah. It's crazy. Everyone starts school today except for our school. Our stupid, stupid school had to start on the 9th. I actually wanted to start today, in a way. Ah, but two more days wont really hurt no? And plus, then I can buy my new sports shoes and bag ;D and socks and shit too haha. Ah well >< I guess this is all I wanted to write right now. I'll edit later on. Kau adalah darahkuu (8) that song is soooo awesome ;D

I.

Alright; so I haven't written in this thing for like six days. It isn't anything compared to my first times writing entries here (I think I even managed not to write for like three months or something? O_O i'm crazy)

So what have I been up to these days?

Well, since I'm leaving in about two days, I've been packing up my suitcase and planning what I want to buy in Indonesia. Ah, Ard might be visiting me and I so can not wait! I want to see her so badly! It's been forever, seriously; and come on, not being able to see your wife in a year? You'd die ;P and I'm not the type who "cheats" on my "partner".

Ugly Betty and a couple of other dramas and PVs have been my entertainment these days. I still can't wait for September, since all the new seasons come out then. My brother and I have finally switched our internet schedules; me getting less than three hours in the morning and all after Maghrib; and he getting it in the daytime and when I'm asleep. He's currently watching his morning cartoons.

Alright; so Mr. XY and I are just friends now - best friends. He's interested in someone else, and I'm "supposedly" interested in another. I just used the personality and the name of someone I knew back in eighth grade - one I never really got to talk to, except that one time he told me the book I was holding (A Series of Unfortunate Events) was a really good book. Americans. Sheesh. Mr. XY's girl is the whole nice body types, she likes what he likes, she's Egyptian (so she's obviously hot - or at least hotter than I), and she smokes and drinks a lot. Well. That does beat me, doesn't it? I've got B-cupped boobs and my body's average, to be honest. I've got baby phat everywhere -_-' and I don't smoke nor do I drink; and I have fairly one pair of peircings. And I critisize him a lot, which she doesn't. And she also doesn't mind him being best friends with a girl other than her, so she basically wins.

I so can't wait for the new school year. Meeting new people in my class (I hope they've got blue eyes and blonde hair! haha, a classic wish xDD) and I hope they're really smart with great ambitions (like a Doctor or a Lawyer - or an Astrophysict like me ;D). And I hope he doesn't smoke or drink too much or anything; and I also hope he appreciates me. Oh, and I'd rather a guy who wouldn't stop loving me. That helps in the "forever and ever" part.

Alright, so I'm watching Ugly Betty, so I'll drop by later on and edit a few things alright? Well, well (:< goodbye for now (: hope everyone enjoys the rest of the summer ;D

xoxo
eunhyee.

#1 - 10:54 PM

I was thinking today, and all of a sudden, this idea came up into my head: maybe, i should start an everyday journal starting september 7th; to write down all my experiences - good and bad, important and not - during my last two years in highschool. The Junior and the Senior years - the most important and busiest years of high school. I was thinking of buying fairly two to three little notebooks that do not have any lines on them, so I can draw if I'm bored in class (which is very unlikely because IB is something to be serious about) or draw little emoticons on the sides of the sentences or something. Maybe I can write down my little fantasies or the ideas I simply can not say outloud. Should it have a key? Or will that look tempting to steal? I think it should look like a normal notebook.

I'm currently watching Sex and the City. It's not bad, and it actually shows how men are such pricks - only using women for their sex needs and then throwing them away like trash. Well, men these days no? And society too - it doesn't only occur with men.

Been talking to Giego. I'm wondering how he's doing in France, but then again, I'm worried it's not him (either it's one of his multiple "personalities" or it's this friend of his that always uses his account. and it's a girl) so I'd rather not ask him anything. Oh. Well, Mr. XY just came online. I think I'll use codenames too in my new journal, so that if anyone was to find it, it wouldn't really mean anything to them unless they really knew me. Ah, I'd kill them if they dared open my journal! >:

I'll edit later on if there's anything I'd like to add ;D

ciao!
eunhye.

my heart has been shattered to pieces by none other than the one i lived for. what happens when everything he said just suddenly turns out to be not true? he said i changed, he said he liked the me before we dated. when i asked him what that was, he said he didn't know anymore. he said he grew tired...tired of it all. he grew tired of trying to hold us together, he got tired of loving me, he just got tired of me.

i offered to throw everything about him away; i offered to walk away and not be a burden to him anymore. i knew it was what he wanted. i knew from the beginning that he was slipping away from me; that he was fading away, and that he'd soon stop loving me. he said, though, that it isnt what he wanted; that he at least wanted to talk to me once in a while and be 'friends'. deep down, i know he's saying it out of pity - though i dont want to admit it. he's just saying that so he isn't blamed when i die. tell you what - i'm already dead. i died the minute you said you didn't love me anymore.

love is pain. and that's why, i have learnt my lesson - a lesson everyone else tried to teach me but i ended up ignoring their advice. i shan't fall in love again. i shan't date until i've matured. i shan't trust another man in this world; and i really, really shan't get so close to another one. i dont want to fall in love again. i hate love. im scared of it; out of all of it, im scared of it the most - other than God of course.

i dont want to live anymore. i've lost the will. was his purpose of coming down towards me a curse? cursing me to hate life, cursing me and making me want to jump off a building or hang myself? he said he would love me forever - but i have learnt from this experience that forever doesn't exist. he's a murderer; he's killed me on purpose. he knew, and he still does know, that i am very much in love with him. he knows i cant live without him. what have i done? is it too late to apologize? is it? he said he already forgave me a long, long time ago. what? what did i do wrong? i dont understand. i dont get anything anymore. im scared. im scared of the world. im scared of life. im scared of everything.

maybe i should beg. maybe i should be desperate and beg for him to stay with me. forever. maybe i should ask for another chance. maybe i should tell him that i would change. maybe...maybe...*tears* i can't go on living without him. i cant. im already dead. it would take a miracle to mend the wounds he had scarred me with; it would take more than a magic spell to find the tiny pieces my heart was shattered into. it would take so long. would he regret not being with me? i hope he realizes, in the future, that he needs me, that he would need my as well - and when im not there, im going to shatter his heart, too. im going to break it; and im going to leave him to rot and die just like he left me here all alone. "let's be friends" he says as if there wasn't anything wrong.

he said we were too different. he said he wasn't the one for me. he said he didnt love me anymore. he told me to get over him. he said it was 'for the better'. what does he mean? that im better off dying than being happy with him? that if i were with another person, i would be happy? i want to throw him out the window; at the same time, i want to lock him up in my room and force him to love me again. but i cant do that. i cant do any of that. either it's because im too chicken, or because i simply cant.

i deleted his number. i decided to memorize all the other numbers on my phone so that i'd forget his. i dont want to do anything anymore. i still do, deep down, want to be his best friend. but i do, more than anything, want to be his lover. the only person he would hug with all his heart; the only person whom he would kiss softly and gently on the lips; and the one and only person he would never lie to.

but he was always good at lying, even if he thought i didnt know. that, i guess, was one we both had in common. we were both good at pretending - good at lying to each other. it wasnt even a relationship. i only told him things that would hurt him so that he would get all angry and vent his anger out at me. but what he lied about...i actually believed. i actually believed him when he said he wanted to be with me forever, that he loved me and would always until the day he died. liar.

xoxo
ila.

I know; the last time I posted was about five hours ago, but I couldn't help it when I saw a post in my wifey's blog which was dedicated all to her best friends - including me. So, in reply to hers, and to show the world just who my best friends were, I decided to dedicate my tenth post to my best friends.

BFF. I'm sure you all know what it is an acronym of. Best Friends Forever. Those who do not bail out on each other in times of caution and danger; those who do not gossip behind their backs because they even care about their reputation; those you go shopping with and share naughty secrets with; those you never, ever can lie to about your feelings because they know you a bit better than you thought they did.

And here, I dedicate a whole entry to my three girl BFFs. Of course, I have guys, too, but I've mentioned them a lot in the past entries. It's the girls' time now - for they are the most important of my friends, after all. No harm intended.




Ard; Frosty Passion




Let's start with this pretty girl. And I mean it, she is one of the prettiest Asian chicks I have ever met. Large, dark eyes. Pale skin. Thick, black hair. Even a perfect nose. And this is all without make-up. Yeah, we tend not to wear anything on our faces except lipgloss or eyeliners at times. But with make-up on, she will be more gorgeous than anyone I know! She's just really, really pretty!

How we met? Well, I don't quite remember exactly where...but she was one of those quiet, lonely, polite kids just tring to stay out of trouble. Knowing how I was when I was young, I never thought I'd be closer to her than anyone else. Yes, I was the opposite - hyper, loud, boasting about my qualities (hey, I was a kid. shame wasn't a word for me), and I was anything but polite. I often embarrased myself in front of Indonesian people because I hardly knew what the hell Indonesian kids were like - I mean, they were polite to others and respected their adults, while I mostly didn't, and they were not very noisy like I was. Language was also a problem for me - Ard was only fluent in Indonesian at that time and I was only fluent in English. Many children and adults mocked me for not knowing my own mother tongue, and believe it or not, tough girl right here cried because of it. I hated it - being insulted by people just because I spoke what they didn't speak. I hated it when they asked me "Where's your Indonesian pride?" or "Do your parents not teach you anything about us Indonesians?" I would try to hold myself in, but I would always, always cry. I was a crybaby ;P

But Ard was different. Even though we had a lot of miscommunicating, she still stuck there with me. She tried her best to improve (though I know it was for school purposes and not for me ;P) but she still...accepted me. Regardless of what I could and could not speak nor my manners. She may not know, but she is one of the reasons why I do not care of what people think of me anymore!

How we became best friends? It's all a mystery to me, too. I guess it's probably because we kept spending time with each other. I mean, I remember I used to go over to her house all the time to watch Anime and play that doctor thing with the dolls. Remember that Ard? I feel terribly embarrased.

What she's like? Hm...She's lovely. She's pretty. She's polite with other people (but not to me -_- huaha i kid baby ;P). I don't really know why she's shy. I mean, there isn't anything about her to be shy of. Nothing in her to be ashamed of! Seriously. She's like...closer to perfect than anyone I know. She's such a camwhore; I mean, all those pictures of her pouting on camera...SURE. I mean, I even do POSES on camera, but...XD I'm sorry Ard and everyone - I JUST LOVE ARD! She's just a doll. I LOOOOVE her. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

Wishes? I hope that I've been a great help to Ard, because I want to do anything I can to help her. I want her to be more confident and walk with her own two feet; although maybe I do need to help her stand a while. I want her to come here and we can go shopping together, do our hair in the salon and have manicures during sleepovers, just like real girls. I just want to see her again. ):

Message? I miss you Ard. A hell of a lot more than you think. Thank you for always supporting me and understanding me, always behind me by 100% There's no one I can ever thank for supporting me as much as I thank you. I believe that you will be able to get everything you want, as long as you work extra hard for it. You know more than I do that the sweat will be worth it in the end. For everything I've done wrong to you, I am very sorry. I'm so sorry if I ever hurt you in any way, because I know when I was young, I tend to make fun of anyone who I thought wasn't better than me and you know that more than anyone. I'm so sorry that at the time I cried at Sharf's house, I had to lie to you and tell you about this Jessica girl I made up; I'm so sorry I have to say this right now - the real reason I was crying was because you guys were passing diary entries in front of me and you wouldn't let me see - so I felt really jealous and left out. I was...a complete idiot, I know, but the looks on your faces when you guys saw me in front of that door...it just made me feel like you guys didn't want me there. I was so sad. But I've gotten over it. I'm so sorry I lied. I love you so much. I really, really do.




Mira; Imperfection is Perfection




She has the looks, she has the body, she has the attittude. Perfect. She would survive on the streets better than anyone could. I'm not saying this as an insult, but she really is amazing. She knows, and I've always been telling her, what a miracle she was. She has this...aura about her. I don't really know, but she just makes me feel safe?

How we met? Believe it or not, it's been less than two years since we've met, and probably just a little over a year since we became best friends. Sisters, actually. The day we declared our unbreakable bond was when we declared our sisterhood. Not only sisters, actually...twins. We met on the internet, through a very good friend, Maye. I can't thank Maye enough for having brought to me this adorable young girl. (by the way, she's less than a month younger than me (: and people do tell us we absolutely look like sisters).

How we became best friends? This question has already been half-answered in the above. I don't know, I guess we were both having troubles and then by chance, we were the only ones online at that time or something...so we talked to each other and we totally agreed. We also had joint fanfics - which we NEVER completed, but they were fun to make ;P felt like I was needed for the first time of my life - and we had our little BRACKET TALK. It's a secret (:

What's she like? Strict. Independant. Strong. Qualities of women we now rarely find. She stands up for herself, has absolute dignity and confidence, and is not ashamed about anything in herself. I wish I could be more like her. I wish I could have strong values in life like she does and I also want to be a role model for a lot of young girls out there.

Wishes? I WISH YOU'D COME BACK TO ABU DHABI YOUNG LADY! Unni will very much punish you when you get back here. *sighs* I wish you could forgive me for all those I did to disappoint you. I wish I would earn your whole trust again. I wish you a great life, and I wish you'd get over it all. I'm serious - I know you don't love me that much anymore, but I do, and...well...I just wish the best for you because I am your sister. And it is my duty to protect you from the dangers of the world.

Message? You've always, always been the greatest tip-giver for beauty products - except for that Neutrogena blackhead scrub. That actually gave me a lot more red bumps so my mom told me to stop using it. It's almost recovered, actually. Mira, you're a great girl, and you don't deserve anything you're going through right now. Please, I beg of you, hang in there. There must be some way to get you out of it all. There must be some way, and no matter what, Unni shall find it for you. Unni has never been good with promises, but...I shall promise to try. I love you so much. Please come back, I need you here! D:




Nian; Fly Away




This girl is considered tall for a Southeast Asian girl (we're very short, actually. Not many of us reach about five feet tall. I'm five feet two, thank god), but this girl is five feet three, which is taller than my dad. Haha, well, maybe she grew, since the last time I saw her was about three years ago.

How we met? Believe it or not, we met way before Ard and I met. Actually, since my father and her father were from the same part in Indonesia, they got to know each other and one day, their family comes to our house, and I saw her. She was so thin and shy, and her mother had to push her forward in order for her to shake hands with me. Yes, she was that shy. Then I found out she was going to our school, and she wasn't that fluent in English, so I helped her in reading a few literature books. For the next couple of days, we had gotten closer because of this. She was extremely fun when she wasn't in her shy mode, and I just loved her. We soon became very, very good friends and then - best!

What's she like? See, this girl is shy to people she doesn't know, and she barely believes in herself. She always tells herself she isn't good enough, and she knows I know that she knows she's so much better! Sometimes she pisses me off because of her cluelessness, but all in all, I love her because in order to be BFFs, you also have to love their flaws. I really don't mind that she is a blockhead, mainly because I think it's cute, and if I were a guy, I'd find it cute, too.

Wishes? Just like the others, I wish the best for her. I also wish she'd start seeing potential in herself and not think of herself as a loser. Maybe she's just doing it because she likes the attention I give her, maybe not. I don't care, but I'd wish she'd stop telling herself that and start believing that there is a man out there unlike any other that will love her so much no matter who or what she is.

Message? I've been mentioning this to you the whole time, Nian. Believe in yourself. Think of yourself as one of the best women in the world, just don't get too conceited 'cuz that's annoying too ;P But at least have some faith that you are girlfriend material, and I know you are! That deep down inside, there is a beautiful girl, waiting to show herself to the world. Be that girl, be the girl that only lucky men get. Be a girl with dignity and pride for womanhood, and don't give up on your studies. Oh gosh, I feel so gay all of a sudden -_-. I miss you so much. There's so much I want to tell you, so much I want to show you, so much I want to teach you. I hope that I can visit you in Indonesia, and we have a great time like before! I love you so much.


Well, I guess that's it for today. My hand hurts like hell and Yunah's waiting for it.


LOVE YOU THREE. HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT SUMMER!

xxxx
eunhyee 

...and without a clear reason, either.

Why is it that I feel so sad all the time? That most of the time, I have such fantasies about hurting myself? I've never felt like this before - when my heart sinks so low, it actually hurts when I sleep. Okay, that last one, I've had, but only like two times in my whole life! I'm rejecting everyone around me; yesterday, when I went to my neighbor's house, we were usually always really hyper and happy - but yesterday...it was so...different. They were all jumping around, and I was just...well, staring into space and not concentrating to a word they were saying. I felt so sad and left out - that I was always the odd one out everywhere I go. Okay, it's not really bad to be different and stand out, but my case isn't like that - it's more like...rejection; I feel like no one wants me or to be around me, and I know this is called Paranoia.

So, what? (I don't mean it in the attittudal, rejective way "SO WHAT HUH?!" kinda thing. I'm actually questioning) Is everyone telling me I suffer from a mental disorder? I'm sure everyone here knows what Paranoia is, right? Great! Saves my time for explaining to all you people who reject so-called emos and goths. Well you know what? You aren't perfect, either. Everyone has problems. If you don't, then you're probably a whore who sleeps with old men - I mean, beauty, luxury, a *cough*disgusting*cough* cock, and money - dayum you're very materialistic, ain't you? (:

Yes. This has been my attittude to everyone around me. The more I feel rejected, the more I feel alone, and the more I feel alone, then the more I reject those around me because...well, I have the feeling that there is something about me that they hate. Maybe it's my old self, and not to mention the one I miss dearly; the loud, perky, klutz-of-an-Ila Nasuki who didn't care what people said to her? I feel so conceited saying this -_-' I've been shouting at my mom more than ever and I feel so guilty about it - I mean, she's been through a lot to be a great wife and mother to both my brother and I, and I see this need in saying sorry to her, but I'm just...afraid. I'm a coward when it comes to confessing my mistakes. Even writing this entry is so hard for me.

Standing out isn't that bad, though. It's basically when you stand out of the crowd, you're different - either you give a really, really, really colorful impression of the word weird, or you're just plain dull because you have your hair dyed the darkest shade of black, your skin is utterly pale, and all your close are either striped black and white, or just plain black. Oh, but don't get me wrong. I dress like a normal person - just the vibe that I create is so depressing. 

You know? I just want Ard to come back. She is, not including Mr. XY, the only person who listened to me like I was someone serious. She is the best wifey anyone could ever ask. I just wish we didn't live so far away. I wish we lived in the same city at least so we could spend time in each other's houses every weekend or something and I don't really have to wait until a time our parents decide when we're going to visit each other in other countries. I wish we went to the same school so we could hang out with each other all the time. She's gotten my number one spot on my shopping-partner's list, too. Dude, she's good to hang out with! I want to cover her with make-up one day. I mean, she is sooo pretty but she could be gorgeous if she wanted to. Well, of course. She's my wifey, after all (:

Anyway, I'm going to go watch desperate housewives now. I love you all, and for whoever did stop by to read my little story, I am so greatful. There's nothing better than a person who listens to boring stories and comments on them. Really. I do appreciate it.

xoxoxo
eunhyee;;